The Autism Society Event and Education Recordings Archive

For the most part, young people on the spectrum are no different from anyone else in being curious about sexuality, dating and relationships. But too many times, misunderstandings can lead to all kinds of unexpected and unpleasant situations. A child’s age on the social and emotional scale in comparison with their chronological age and intellect can give parents insight as to why their child behaves the way they do, what to expect from their child socially and emotionally, and what their child is capable of comprehending. Since society judges predominantly by outward appearance, it is important to know their child's social/emotional age so that parents can educate others.

People on the spectrum are often not part of peer groups. Many do not have the social, linguistic or cognitive skills needed to interpret sexual language in the context intended, such as innuendos or slang. They often lack the ability to widely infer/assimilate nonspecific information from multiple sources. Our society has a lot of confusing/conflicting messages about sexuality and relationships, and this is an area where people tend to be very vague or indirect.

Why are teens/young adults on the spectrum having so much difficulty navigating these issues? As parents we have identified three key areas. The first is an overall lack of knowledge compared to neurotypical (NT) teens. Young NTs generally assimilate sexual/dating information from the world around them: friends, peers, family, TV, movies, the Internet, etc. By the time they have reached the tween years, they have become increasingly aware of the many conversations on these subjects. Young people on the spectrum miss out on much of this information. Second, they have a significant lack of social and dating opportunities compared to NT teens. By high school, many NT young teens have experienced flirting, crushes, hand-holding, phone calls, casual dates, parties, dances or hanging out. In contrast, teens on the spectrum have not been privy to these experiences or are years behind their peers. Finally, spectrum teens/young adults need straightforward, direct information from a source they trust, generally their families; however, parents are rarely prepared for the very explicit nature of these discussions. There is little sexual education material available for those on the spectrum or their families. Also, the Internet & media may portray unrealistic, non-consensual sexual experiences as normal or typical, which may cause further confusion for young people on the spectrum.

What can parents do to help their children as they mature? They can be proactive by creating an open environment where it is okay to talk about anything. They can learn how to discuss explicit matters in a calm, straightforward, nonjudgmental way. They can teach them clinical terms as well as slang, even if it is language not normally used at home, so their children won’t be confused or left out when it is used by their peers. Parents can talk about social cues and peer expectations by using lots of examples – both positive and negative. It is also very important to talk about safety, hygiene and laws about sexuality. Above all, parents need to keep an open mind, allow for exploration of feeling and, when confronted with an unexpected situation, remain calm and matter of fact.