The Autism Society Event and Education Recordings Archive

Two fathers of children on the spectrum share their insights into parenting; in particular, managing expectations, supporting all family members, involvement in education/therapy, career choices and life planning as a result of having a child(ren) on the spectrum. This not just for dads. Moms, professionals, and others who want to understand are welcome. Eric Blackwell shares from personal experiences his no-nonsense perspective on the unique challenges of fatherhood on the spectrum. With honesty and candor, interspersed with a healthy sense of humor, he discusses such topics as denial of diagnosis; how he at first wanted to “fix” his children but then came to the realization that they are not “broken” and, therefore, don’t need to be fixed; struggling with career decisions that would affect his family’s support network, and finding his place within the family and the larger school and autism community.

In countering many of the stereotypes surrounding fathers of children with an ASD, the presentation provides suggestions and strategies for how to retain a balance of normalcy, including parents making time for each other, supporting and being part of the child’s team, the importance of communication, and taking an honest look at career aspirations as they interface with having a child on the spectrum. An ASD diagnosis might affect one’s career opportunities. That is, you may decline to change jobs if they involve moving to avoid bringing too many changes into our child’s life and take him or her away from trusted professionals. Also, the importance of support and long-term friends for your child is much greater for kids on the spectrum than for others. Moving requires re-building the support network from the ground up and, therefore, should be seriously considered.

Eric says that if there is one thing that he has picked up over the years, it is a realization of how normal and average he is. It took him a long time to come to grips with the fact that he was not the only dad who had a child with an autism spectrum disorder. It finally hit home one day that if there are 1 in 150 kids in the United States “on the spectrum,” that means there are that many dads dealing with it as well. We are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of us and we need to help and support each other.

As part of the strategies shared in this session, he will discuss the fact that it is normal to think your child is not affected. It is also normal not to accept the diagnosis at first. It is normal to feel overwhelmed. In fact, many of the feelings that we experience may be the only thing “normal” about being a dad on the spectrum. It is all part of the package.

Not all kids with autism face the same challenges. Neither do all dads. Some find it difficult to accept the impairments their kids have. Some don't want to "label" their kids. Some don't think their kids have autism because their symptoms do not seem “severe.” they all have reasons for how they feel; the challenge is to remain true to who they are while supporting and helping to make the best life possible for their kids with ASD.

Believe the diagnosis, but you don't have to accept the prognosis. Looking back on the early days, Eric says he can see that accepting the diagnosis, the label, was a crucial first step. Once he accepted that two of his boys were “on the spectrum,” his energies could be focused on trying to help them reach their goals. Dads often want to solve all problems for their family, in particular those of their child with an ASD, so it can be difficult for them to be true team members. But he has learned that it is better to help build a team to protect and support your child than to try and protect your child all by yourself.

Eric says that he also learned that he need to connect with his children using their special interest. Not only does this bring them together now; it can also establish routines and develop skills that may turn into a lifelong career or at least a hobby.

Eric describes having come to view himself as being in the obstacle removal business. He is not in the "fixing" business. He wants to be sure that his kids understand that they are not broken and that they understand and accept themselves for who they are. We all have challenges. Theirs are just different. Eric calls himself the “Director of Normalcy.” Families need to engage in typical activities. Many dads give up on that with the stress and strain of day-to-day life with ASD. It is important to remember that siblings who are not on the spectrum may need some attention since moms are often tied up with the child on the spectrum.

Dads also play big role in removing obstacles to help extended family members have good (albeit different) relationships with your child(ren). There is much that can be done to support extended family in being a part of our kids’ lives.
In summary, while recognizing that no two dads are alike, just like no two kids with ASD are alike, the presentation provides tried and true strategies that work for one family.

There are great opportunities and challenges facing fathers of children with disabilities. Our experience with hundreds of families of children with Autism and Asperger Syndrome  has revealed that many fathers are not engaged with their special needs children, are frequently in denial, or are actively avoiding responsibilities. Mothers are extremely frustrated by this, and many families are hurt by the failure of the father to meet his obligations and use his skills and unique abilities for the good of the family. Mothers are frequently left with the challenge of raising their children as single parents. The divorce and separation rate for parents with a special needs child is reported to be over 80 percent.
This presentation is based on a book Uniquely Yours: Encouragement for Parents of Children with Special Needs through New Hope Publishing. Target date for completion is the fall of 2009. Gena, my wife, and I founded and facilitated a 350-member parent support group for families raising children with autism, Asperger Syndrome and related disabilities from 2000 - 2006.  Much of the insight for the presentation comes from the experiences of these families.
I am the father of a 33-year-old son with Asperger Syndrome and bi-polar disorder. I have faced many situations and learned much from my experiences. I have helped our son deal with many challenges in work situations, education settings and with various government agencies. I have a passion to share what I have learned with other fathers.
This presentation from an experienced father who has “been there, done that” is straight shooting, parent-to-parent, and is punctuated with carefully crafted, hard-hitting “stories” to increase interest. A large number of illustrations will be used to help the visual learner and to support key points in the presentation.
Specific topics to be covered include:
DASHED EXPECTATIONS
How fathers can deal with the anger, blame, denial and grief when they first find they have a child with special needs.
NOW WHAT?
Decisions that need to be made by the father and the effects these decisions have on the family and on the parents.
SPECIAL ROLE OF THE FATHER
                        The special abilities and roles of the father in a family with special needs.
STRAINS ON THE MARRIAGE
The special stresses that come with a child with special needs. Learning to really understand your spouse in this situation. Strengthen the marriage for your benefit and for the benefit of the family
DIFFICULTIES WITH FRIENDSHIPS
The issues special needs families face with friends: Isolation, loss of spontaneity, limited choices and the excessive efforts needed to find and keep friends. Advice on finding adult relationships for the parents.
DISCIPLINE
Working on discipline problems from a team perspective. How to avoid the mistakes of the past and guidance on discipline for all the children.
HOW TO HELP YOURSELF
Understanding yourself, dealing with feeling “down” or depressed, and obtaining balance in your life.
MISTER FIX-IT
The frustrations of trying to fix the situation you are in. Suggestions on what is realistic, and encouragement to not give up.
LOVE AND THE SPECIAL NEED CHILD
The challenges of loving your child with special needs. Dealing with the fairness question and working with the cards that have been dealt to you.
DISABILITIES, PARENTHOOD AND SUCCESS
Answering the key issue of defining and achieving success for the father in a family with a child with special needs.

Learning Objectives: