The Autism Society Event and Education Recordings Archive

Parenting any adolescent is a challenge in today’s world. The unique concerns of older teens with ASD add a layer of complexity that requires greater forethought and guidance for both teens and their parents. The stakes are high for parents to feel comfortable with a young adult’s developmental readiness to move on. We will discuss specific issues involved in parenting older teens with ASD, and explore the necessary balance required between supporting, protecting and letting go appropriately. Advancement to the profession
With a drastic increase in people being diagnosed with ASD, we will in turn be seeing growing numbers of young adults on spectrum trying to find their way in the world. Thankfully there is a plethora of information available for working with younger diagnosed children.  As the adult population increases, we must provide support to parents to help their teens make this transition successfully. There is much for both parents and professionals to learn in this arena. 

Parenting adolescents and young adults with autism is a process naturally fraught with uncertainty and challenges. Thriving as a parent of older teens demands a new perspective that complements skills learned when parenting younger children on spectrum.  It also necessitates seeking an array of supports from the larger community.

This is not to say that parenting any child as they become young adults is an easy task. All parents worry about their children as they transition into adulthood.  I remember lying awake into the wee hours when either of my older two kids was out on a date, or gallivanting around town with friends. Since typically developing teens often tend to push away and define themselves in less than desirable ways, parental anxiety often stems from reacting to this pushing away behavior.  Parents feel concerned about offspring finding a niche in young adulthood, but there is usually an underlying assumption for typically developing teens that life will continue to get better as they leave high school.

Awareness of differences between parenting typically developing vs. teens on spectrum

Therein lies one of the major differences between parenting typical teens and teens on spectrum. For most typically developing teens, there are predictable times when that adolescent launches towards independence; he leaves for college, she takes off to see the world or to marry and start her own family. Ultimately, those parents become empty nesters.

This scenario is not as often the case for older teens on spectrum. The unique factors that appear with autism are the very same issues that can make moving toward independence a more difficult endeavor. There are social and communication challenges, employment issues, and sensory difficulties, to name a few. All of these areas have tremendous potential to interfere with the process of moving ahead into adult life. Attitudes like “sink-or-swim” or “going to the University of Hard Knocks” are obviously not beneficial approaches for the ASD population.

Seeking a balance between providing supports and letting go

Parents of spectrum teens face the task of finding a delicate balance between providing necessary supports and letting go.  What makes this even more difficult is how this desired balance is a moving target. Also, spectrum parents too often get accused of being too controlling; they are unfairly labeled as being “enmeshed” with their child. One way to describe an enmeshed parent would be someone who has difficulty perceiving a child’s capabilities as separate from their own.  The assumption would follow that “enmeshed” parents find it hard to allow a child to progress for fear that child would grow and develop into a separate and independent person.

This accusation is ludicrous.  Anxiety about an ASD teen’s future would naturally drive parents to encourage as much independence as possible, while cultivating additional supports in the community.  What some might erroneously label as enmeshed behavior should be reframed as a need to protect, and provide the structure that enables teens on spectrum to stay safe as they move on in their lives.

Types of appropriate support

Parents perform the role of executive functioning while children with ASD develop. To be effective, they must turn over the responsibility slowly, with foresight and planning for ways to individualize support for that young adult. Ideally, teens are provided with tools that allow them to move on as independently as possible. These tools will be discussed in greater detail, during the session. In truth, most young adults on spectrum will need some degree of help, the amount of which is dependent on that person’s specific strengths.

Comfort with letting go

The stakes are high for parents to feel comfortable with older teens’ developmental readiness to move into their adult lives.  Being able to let go involves knowing where those teens are in their emotional development.  Stages of development are trick to assess in autism.  For example, it can be easy to assume that a person with autism is function at a specific level of understanding with communication.  When an older teen has a good vocabulary and strong expressive language, one can easily overlook the difficulty that person might have in comprehending the meaning of words. Not understanding the contextual meaning of words, accompanied by a tendency toward literal interpretation of language has tremendous potential for jeopardizing the safety of young adults with autism.

What we hear repeatedly from people on the spectrum is that when people in their lives, including parents, hold higher expectations, it affords more opportunities for growth as they rise to the level of greater challenges. By the same token, limited expectations will limit options for growth.

In the session, participants will hear quotes from many adults on spectrum who have been unfairly and inaccurately underestimated regarding their abilities, due to expressive communication difficulties.  Another way that underestimating takes place is when a parent overlooks new development in a child, and operates with old information about skills a child has mastered.  At times I start to do things for my son, but he is quick to remind me that he is quite capable of doing it himself.  Thankfully he’s also willing to let me know if he needs my help.

Teaching kids on spectrum to ask for help is a key skill in preparing for adult life.  Parents and professionals alike must all do whatever they can to teach, promote and support the development of self-advocacy skills.  Ideally, this starts at a much earlier age than adolescence.  In my book, A Stranger Among Us, I devote an entire chapter to how one can begin to promote self-advocacy skills for children on spectrum, from an early age. If teens are to develop any semblance of living a self-determined life, they must be supported to speak up on their own behalf, whenever possible.  It means nothing to promote building independence if children on spectrum lack ample opportunities to practice and master self-advocacy skills.

Support for parents

Parents also need support for finding that balance between supporting and letting go. One thing that definitely throws that balance off is the sadness experienced over what a parent perceives their child to be missing in life. Lately I find myself periodically feeling sad, similarly to how I felt with the initial unveiling of my son’s autism diagnosis. I see his peers reaching milestones that are currently out of reach (getting a driver’s license, going away to college, having a girlfriend or a “real” best friend, etc.)  I hurt for him when what he wants most is to just hang out with other kids his own age, to truly feel as though he belongs in his world.  What I need at those times, and what most parents probably need is someone who will listen and witness my sadness or my anxiety about the future, without judgment, or platitudes.

This is something that parent support groups can offer; a place where others understand with few words, what that parent is experiencing. In addition, support groups provide invaluable information about available resources.

Another source of support for parents is people who truly value their child’s gifts.  Parents need a reminder that their teen is a person with potential, who also happens to have autism. They also benefit from having other people around who appreciate a teen’s gifts and enjoy his/her company.  In the session we will discuss ideas for cultivating a community of support for ASD teens.

One of the most important sources of “support” for parents is to consult those who are living with it daily. While they need to be empowered to advocate on their own behalf, they also need to be consulted. Parents need to check out assumptions about their teens that may or may not be accurate, and who better to clarify what is true! 

Parenting an older teen on spectrum is not just an experience fraught with challenges. It is also an opportunity to grow along with teens as they transition into adulthood. One parent talked to me about the place of understanding she has come to in relation to her 34 year old daughter. “At some point, I came to realize that my daughter is going to be who she is.  I finally was able to drop the expectation that she be other than she is.  My own growth as a human being comes from arriving at the place where I learn to accept the reality of my life, as it is.”  Having these wonderful people in our lives helps us to grow and stretch in ways we never imagined possible. Join us for ideas, insights and discussion geared towards paving the way to helping parents launch older teens into adulthood.  

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