ASA's 36th National Conference on Autism Spectrum Disorders (July 13-16, 2005)

• Recorded Presentation

As an individual with high-functioning autism, I have had my successes and failures in the dating world. I started dating girls when I was in the eighth grade, and even though the first two relationships did not last long, it taught me what dating is really like and was preparation for future relationships. All together, I have been in 6 relationships with one of them being a long-term girlfriend I had while I was in college. It lasted for 4 years and it came to an end due to long-distance concerns (we lived in different states after I moved to North Carolina). Some of my biggest obstacles with dating are:

1) Overcoming a high fear of rejection. I always get very nervous before asking somebody out because there is a good chance that she already has a boyfriend, is too busy to have a dating relationship, or simply not interested. This can be a major leading cause of depression and suicidal thoughts!

2) Distinguishing the difference between genuine flirting on behalf of a woman and an overall friendly lifestyle. There have been several times when I felt devastated because I misinterpreted a woman's intentions and then later finding out that she really was not flirting. It helps to find out whether she already has a boyfriend or even married before having the audacity to invite her on a date. It is also advantageous to ask her friend about whether she really is flirting or just being very nice in a friendly manner.

3) Being able to ask a woman out in a casual and relaxed manner. People on the autism spectrum tend to be very serious when it comes to matters like this and often talk about their feeling towards a particular woman in a formal and serious manner. This will likely make the woman feel more tense about the situation and may make them feel uneasy being around the man who asks in such a manner. Don't make the date proposal the speech of a lifetime or a doctoral dissertation. By appearing relaxed and casual when asking her out, she will probably feel more comfortable being around you.

4) Getting a good conversation going. Another issue that people with autism have is their tendency to avoid small-talk and other colloquial, everyday type discussions. They usually like to talk about thing more in-depth and on a more personal level and this may be a problem when getting to know women better. Coming up with good come-on lines can also tricky and not all women welcome conversations from people they do not know.

Based on the relationships I have had thus far, I offer the following recommendations:

a) Read books written about relationships and love at your local book store.

b) Always appear to be happy, even when you are otherwise. Nobody is interested in being around a person who is depressed or has a low opinion of themselves.

c) Have a fun and fulfilling job or other occupation. If you enjoy what you do, others will come to respect you and will want to be more like you.

d) Always practice good hygiene and dress to impress. Your body language says a lot!

e) Be a good listener and don't interrupt.

f) Discuss things that are interesting to them and treat them with respect

g) Don't make any sudden romantic advances. Take things slowly and if she says “no”, stop and honor her wishes the first time she says it. Your date will respect that!

In addition to the relationship jungle out there, I have always been fixated by intense visual stimuli in my environment. I have coined a term to describe a particular visual stimulus I deal with daily, and other individuals with autism spectrum disorders may experience similar situations. I have assigned the name directome, and came up with this term since it contains the word “direct”. This stimulus attracts, or directs as the name suggests, an extensive amount of staring by the person experiencing it. This phenomenon is affected by the amount of light reaching the object. In a very dimly lit room, the directomes are barely noticeable and are often ignored by the observer.

After several periods of refining the definition, directomes are certain points or regions on particular objects or pictures which attract an excessive amount of attention by visual fixation. These fixations do not all come at once, however. They develop gradually by continuous stares at the object or picture concerned. There is an exception to this rule however. Identical objects or pictures never seen before would possess the same directome intensity, principally school photos and yearbooks. Once they fully develop, they tend to remain associated with a particular object for a very long time, sometimes for over a decade. Most directomes tend to decrease in intensity after several years of staring at them. My first yearbooks from elementary school at one time had numerous intense directomes, but as I have viewed more modern yearbooks, those in the earlier books are less visually profound. I will sporadically look at the old ones, but my main focus is the most recent.

My school yearbooks, especially the most recent, are where the maximum number of directomes can be found. Usually, when I'm staring at the pictures, I notice these directomes before noticing the person behind the picture. It is possible to take my mind off them and concentrate on the particular person. I would more likely notice the real person and not get fixated on directomes if I focus on pictures previously unobserved, and this includes the sections of my yearbooks which are seldom studied. By far, they are associated with the females on each page, and many women have more than one directome with their pose. My attention is attracted especially to the strands of hair, the eyes, and edges of clothing on the person, and it seems like this phenomena is not related to how physically attractive a particular person is; some directomes have been associated with some really poor poses. Some of these stimuli have a greater intensity than others. Curly strands of hair with light glimmering from them seem to be the best candidates for directome formation. Long, straight strands of female hair will also work. Color pictures are more dramatic than the typical black-and- white pictures.

The directomes found on human pictures are best viewed at a certain angle. For me, the best way to stare at my yearbooks or other pictures is to have them lying flat on a desk that is in front of me. For the directomes that appear on a wall or ceiling, viewing them from above or sideways would have an effect on their intensity. I'm accustomed to seeing them from a certain perspective. I have tried viewing the yearbook pictures in a mirror image, but the directomes are not nearly as intense. They are barely noticeable if I turn the yearbook upside down, or in other words, turning it 180 degrees around.

I often stare at those found on female pictures when I'm fantasizing romance with the girl I want to be with. The fantasizing is not as intense without these type of directomes present, but nonetheless still possible. After I would have sexual or romantic activity with a woman, which was rare, I would go home and stare at the female pictures in my yearbook for hours. I call this the “aftermath” of the romance, and staring at the female directomes is part of the experience. This does not apply to the directomes found on inanimate objects, such as TVs, radios, rocks, bookshelves, etc. I tend to associate them with non-personal events, such as weather drama.