It all began when we were approached by Glamour magazine. They were seeking to profile a couple living with autism for their March 2009 issue (source: http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/02/theyre-autistic-and-theyre-in-love). Dave (my partner) and I had figured out our strategies for relationship maintenance, and we had been actively presenting at conferences and workshops on the topic. However, we never had thought through exactly how we made our relationship work, including our specific challenges and strengths. Since the publication of that article, we have participated in additional in-depth interviews (Good Morning America, NPR, and the like).
Being under the public eye has been an educational experience. Our interviews with journalists and reporters have never been invasive, but we have been asked to elaborate and respond to some excellent questions that every couple would benefit from looking into. When it comes to autism and romance, generic relationship advice is overrated. Couples living with autism need to determine what ‘ingredients’ will work for them, since each individual has unique characteristics and needs. This presentation will cover nine key “ingredients” that has made our relationship successful and how they can benefit everyone:
1. We learn the rules. Then we break them.
2. We accommodate our sensory issues and needs.
(includes sensory profiling)
3. We establish effective communication.
4. We plan things out in advance.
5. We cultivate companionship and practice compromise.
6. We recognize independence and individuality.
7. We respect each other’s personal space.
8. We take our time with transitions.
9. We embrace the unconventional.
* Each listed item will be elaborated in-depth during the presentation.
We each have our unique characteristics, challenges and strengths that shape our identity. Each couple, whether one or both partners have ASD, will need to collect their own “ingredients” that make their relationship healthy and successful.
Why is it important to talk about love, relationships and sexuality when addressing the needs of individuals with autism? The reason is simple -- human rights. Sexual rights are human rights. We need to recognize that individuals with disabilities have rights just like everyone else. This includes the right to establish a relationship, the right to marriage, and the right to raise a family (if one so chooses). The right to love and be loved is a basic human right. Human rights are the fundamental core of the conversation we need to be having when it comes to addressing self-determination and full participation of individuals with autism throughout the lifespan.
When learning how to advocate for ourselves, it is important for us to know our rights. Not everyone has an interest in pursuing love, but it is important to know we at least have the right to pursue love.
Lindsey A. Nebeker, B.A.
Self Advocate
Lindsey Nebeker is a musician, international speaker and autism self-advocate living in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. She holds a B.A. in Music Technology from the College of Santa Fe and is a Partners in Policymaking alumna. Lindsey has appeared in Glamour, Good Morning America and NPR.
