Men were often poorly represented at IEP meetings, conferences, and support groups for parents of children with autism. Where were they? Usually they are at home watching the children so that the women can attend, but the women as the primary caretakers still feel overburdened and stressed out. The men, at home, think they are helping out. They generally prefer to do things to help out as opposed to connecting by talking about the stresses and strains of everyday life. What a bind for both men and women to be in.
Until the 1970s, the role of fathers in child development was largely ignored in the professional literature. While regarded as providers and protectors, fathers were not expected to be involved in day-to-day parenting, with the notable exception of discipline. In emphasizing the undeniable importance of mothers, social scientists lost sight of the father and the larger family context. The word parent became synonymous with mother. This same trend applied to fathers of children with disabilities. Consequently the literature about these fathers is limited.
By the time fathers were "rediscovered," many men were frustrated with their traditional roles. They found that the "duty" to be a successful breadwinner had sometimes choked the natural instinct to nurture. They realized that they could be tender and nurturing with their children and provide discipline too. As more and more women worked outside the home, fathers became of necessity more involved in the day-to-day care of their children.
Cross-cultural studies reported by anthropologist Wade Mackey (1985) showed that when men spent time with children alone, they behaved much like women in their physical interactions, particularly nurturing. This was true regardless of the gender of the child on every continent and in every social class. The model of the indifferent unavailable father figure was not sustained.
Developmental psychologist Michael Lamb, a leading scholar on fathers, reviewed studies that revealed some significant differences between mothers' and fathers' behaviors with their newborn infants. Mothers spend more time attending to the infants' basic needs while fathers tend to play more. Fathers are also observed to be more vigorous and rougher in their play than mothers. Both fathers and mothers adapt their play to the child's developmental level, which implies that fathers as well as mothers are sensitive to child development.
Lamb (1997) also found a consensus in the professional literature that mothers and fathers initially respond differently to a child with a disability. Fathers seem less emotional and focus traditionally more on long-term problems such as the financial burden. Mothers respond more openly with their emotions and are more concerned with the challenges of the daily care of the child. Fathers who are less involved in daily interaction with their children tend to have a prolonged period of denial about the disability and its implications.
Flipin and Crais (2011) discussed the pressing need for more effective father involvement in early autism intervention programming. Their review of the research on fathers indicates that the fathers of today spend more time with their children and are more directly involved with their care in a co-parenting role. In stark contrast, they are not more involved in early intervention programming for their children with autism. Mothers remain the almost exclusive participants in autism research and early intervention services. The high stress levels reported by mothers may be the result of the dual role of caregiver and intervention provider. Important to note, however, the fathers stress levels are not being routinely studied, so we do not have a valid point of comparison.
These researchers highlight the unique contributions and challenges of fathers. For example, the father’s use of higher level vocabulary and different communication style with children may complement that of the child’s mother. On the other hand, fathers are often frustrated by not knowing how to play with their children with ASD, but the active rough-and-tumble nature of father-child play can be instrumental in the development of their child with ASD. Fathers reported that their child’s externalizing behaviors, such as tantrums, were the greatest source of stress. Mothers, in contrast, reported their greatest stressors to be regulatory problems with sleeping and eating.
It's obvious that men have a different way of expressing themselves and connecting. Male intimacy is different from women's but not defective. Connecting with other fathers can have a dramatic and powerful impact upon a man’s ability to interact with his partner, his children, and the professionals serving his children. While men certainly need to listen and open up, men relate and respond best through action.
For men in general and fathers of kids with autism it’s hard to admit the need for help. Men respond better to having some kind of action plan. So this session includes making an action plan to find something men enjoy doing with their child as well as how to get more involved in the day to day nurturing of their child on the autism spectrum. Finally strategies to strengthen male involvement in school and community will be discussed.
Outline for Rethinking Masculinity: For Fathers of Children with Autism
1. Introduction- 5 minutes
2. Becoming a father- 5 minutes
3. My story 10 minutes
4. How the diagnosis impacts the couple 10 minutes
5. Understanding the boy code and traditional male role norms 5 minutes
6. Symptoms of male depression 5 minutes
7. Video clips of fathers 10 minutes
8. Strategies for helping fathers bond with their children 10 minutes
9. Providing support for fathers 5 minutes
10. Questions 10 minutes
Session Objectives:
1. Understand how the traditional boy code is a gender straight jacket for men.
2. Apply the broken mirror concept to fathers of children with autism, especially boys.
3. Promote strengthening of the father-child bond.
4. Use “guy talk” to connect with men.
5. Develop and provide support for fathers, thereby strengthening families.
References:
Flipin, M. & Crais, E. R. (2011). The need for more effective father involvement in early autism intervention: A systematic review and recommendations. Journal of Early Intervention, 33, 24-50.
Lamb, M.E. (Ed). (1997). The role of the father in child development, (3rd ed.). New York: John Wiley & Sons.
Mackey, W. C. (1985) Fathering behaviors: The dynamics of the man-child bond. New York: Plenum.
Robert A. Naseef, Ph.D.
Psychologist
Alternative Choices
Robert Naseef is a psychologist and parent of an adult child with autism. He is the author of Autism in the Family:Caring and Coping Together (2013), Special Children, Challenged Parents (1997) and co-editor of Voices from the Spectrum (2006). He specializes in family issues with autism.
