The Autism Society Event and Education Recordings Archive

Living in a family that includes one or more members who are affected by autism is challenging for everyone involved. The family dynamics will continue to change in unexpected ways during developmental progressions, causing stress and discord. In this presentation we will examine our roles, as grandparents in relation to our children, who are now parenting our grandchildren. In many ways, we are in uncharted territory, learning how to change our perceptions and expectations as individuals, including our ideas of how we may think a family should be, but isn’t. We will discover simple exercises to balance our own energy, and to raise the frequency we send to others. We will learn how to embrace change, become good listeners and build better relationships, so we can become a calming, loving presence for our intergenerational family. This presentation is directed to grandparents and the role we play in the intergenerational family. We will share stories from life experience and discover ways to learn to get along with one another. After attending this intergenerational session you will become aware of energy in the body that follows meridians and be able to use three simple exercises to reduce stress and help restore the health of your family. As a result, you will be more optimistic about the future.

Three life changing exercises:

1. Breath in breath out

2. Contain and transform our vital chi energy

3. Connect to the universe to raise our energy level

Changing the paradigm:

A example that helps us understand the position of grandparents in the family system is that of driving a bus. We can ask who is driving the family van or bus now? When our children were under our care, we were the bus drivers until our children became adults, now, we are the passengers. This may be a shift in expectation for many of our generation, because most of us were raised differently, but, we are no longer in charge of driving the bus. We are here to bring love, praise and joy, give direction, when asked, and support our children as they raise our grandchildren. In some families, grandparents are directly caring for their grandchildren complicating the family dynamics. We need to know that, while our children are parents, we are not the family bus driver. We will talk about ways to work with this dilemma, by learning tools to love ourselves and calm our bodies, accepting the way things are, today, knowing that tomorrow may be different, and find joy in the improbable.

Family dynamics are affected whenever any member in the family changes their role. Just like a mobile is unbalanced when one or more of the pieces are not placed in a stable position, the mobile jerks and turns, finally stopping because it can not function when it is out of order. This is also true for family systems and is one of the reasons we see many divorces in families affected by autism. The family today is under enormous pressure,constantly shifting because one or more of the members are causing stress by changing their needs within the family.

Autism, as you may already know, is a developmental difference in how the brain and body function. The way a person processes information and how the person with autism relates to the environment, affects communication and social skills. One of the characteristics of autism is a desire to control change, by insisting on structure and repetition. When I was a child I had meltdowns whenever anyone touched my eclectic collection of things. The location of my collections could change, but not the way they were ordered. If someone did not understand my system of interpretation, and rearranged my things, I had zero tolerance and threw a tantrum. Since I did not understand how my insistence for control over people and events in my life, affected the rest of my family, I was unaware of the stress that I was causing.

If we can accept that the person with autism is not aware, or mostly unaware, of the large picture, or, the affect they are having in the family, we can change our perception, and in turn change our thinking and attitude. With a different attitude we can choose to respond in positive ways in our behavior. We can develop our emotional intelligence and not have knee jerk reactions.

When I was a child, I caused a great deal of stress because my thinking was disordered, causing me to turn inward to create a world order of my creation, that I tenaciously defended. An example of trying to control random thinking is to demand a routine that must be followed. My cereal needed to be the right temperature, thickness, with cream the right color and taste. I had to sit in the same chair, use the same green bowl and a silver spoon. My five brothers and sisters came to resent me, and my parents threatened divorce on many occasions. My mother took on most of the blame for not being able to discipline me into becoming a normal, neural typical child. My father was frustrated because he came home after working to a dysfunctional family and not knowing what to do, retreated into his obsession, reading books, mostly absorbing novels. My siblings were required to wait until my tantrums subsided to get their needs met. They competed for time and attention because I created the biggest crisis and came first. I did not cause the dysfunction, but, my autism did. My world was built like a house of cards, fragile, precarious and at risk of falling down at any time from the slightest challenge. I found pleasure in looking at my collections, and lining up shiny coins in perfect figure eights, not in developing relationships.

The people that I gravitated to were those who were calm, and could accept me for all of my quirkiness. Their calm accepting nature created a space for me to connect with... people. They were able to teach me what I needed to learn in school and life, and, to become a contributing member of society. The focus of this session is to help you become a resource for your children, who are the parents of a child or children with autism, and, to become good grandparents to all of your grandchildren; the neurotypical as well as those with autism.

Many of my preconceived ideas of how my role would play out as a grandparent, did not come to be. I have learned to step back and let my daughter and her husband make the parenting decisions, without my 'helpful' advice, unless there is danger, then I clearly state my concerns. Today her family and all of our families are under a great amount of stress. We are living in a different time, with electronic devices that keep us in constant communication with others, and, not necessarily with those closest to us. Financial constraints and a shortage of quality family time, means that there is little down time for relaxation and meditation. The Communication Era has brought many advances, and at the same time, many losses. One of these losses is quality time with grandparents who all to frequently live many miles away. Children could benefit greatly from the safe haven of a caring grandparent living nearby. We will talk about ways to stay connected in spite of the physical distance between us.

In this session we will learn...

1. about autism, so that all are informed

2. how to calm our bodies and minds

3. to laugh at the improbable and find joy

Using these concepts for changing our perspective, we come to understand more about our own family. We find that we can use energy balancing to benefit ourselves and others. We will recognize the need for learning good communication, creating clear boundaries and building family ritual, so that we can find ways to get along, to heal past hurts, even when there are challenges that seem insurmountable.

Remember that...the only thing constant…is change itself.

Together...we can Create a Brighter Tomorrow.

Learning Objectives: