The Autism Society Event and Education Recordings Archive

In the 1930's, Dale Carnegie wrote a bestselling book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Many of the suggestions he gave for developing social skills address the challenges those of us with autism face when it comes to making and keeping boyfriends or girlfriends. We will address how these principles helped us become more aware of the challenges we were facing and how to further develop the necessary social skills that dating demands. This session is highly recommended for people on the autism spectrum! We, the presenters, are both diagnosed with high-functioning autism and we are in a romantic relationship. All along the way, both of us have weathered many challenges in life, especially in the social and dating world. We are here today to explain these challenges and how we have overcome them. Our emphasis will be on making and maintaining successful relationships.

As children growing up with autism, we found it difficult to develop friendships as well as the necessary social skills that society expected of us. Lindsey's dad described it best when he said that people born with autism do not seem to have the "social antenna" that neurotypical people appear to have instinctively. During our years in grade school, both of us tried to make friends, but often found it more difficult than we hoped. The most frustrating thing was that neither of us seemed to understand why making quality friendships in our own age bracket was harder compared to our fellow classmates.

About 70 years ago, Dale Carnegie wrote one of the best books ever written about human relations, "How to Win Friends and Influence People”. This bestselling book gives outstanding advice on how to win people to your way of thinking, and it also gives valuable advice on how to develop and keep friends. Moreover, this same advice on friendship is applicable to dating situations and making relationships work.

In the case of Lindsey, it helped identify her social issues and what needed to be done to correct them. It became the guidebook that provided her with the tools to translate this foreign language of "social networking”. It helped her to develop the social skills that did not seem to come naturally. Once these principles were put into practice, the feeling of accomplishment was highly liberating. It provided some common sense advice and gave concrete examples and stories of situations to which she could better relate. Lindsey learned that her mind takes longer to comprehend abstract concepts as compared to more concrete concepts. Social skills, flirting, and body language, for example, are highly abstract concepts. However, when given specific examples of those principles in action, it is easier to grasp said concepts.

Employing Mr. Carnegie's principles, we will discuss the challenges that people with autism encounter when it comes to developing social skills and dating “etiquette”.

Example 1: Some of us with autism have great difficulty in verbalizing our emotions or carrying on a conversation. But, as Carnegie points out, it is amazing how much a smile can affect others. We learned that body language and nonverbal communication can positively affect the people with whom we interact.

Example 2: Many of us with autism also have a difficult time looking at people directly in the eye. One possible reason for this is because we consider a person's eyes as "windows to the soul," and we fear the idea that they can look right through us. One trick that is sometimes used to cope with this awkward situation is to look at the person's forehead (it will be less intimidating, and you can feel that you still hold some control for yourself!)

Example 3: Mr. Carnegie mentions that it is best to let the other person do the majority of the talking and do not interrupt. In the case of going out on a date, allow your date ample opportunities to talk about himself or herself and let them finish what they are saying before you start speaking yourself. Trying to talk over them indicates that you are not truly interested in what they are trying to say.

Example 4: Introduce topics of discussion that the other person enjoys. Suppose your date is highly interested in photography. In this case, talking about photography with your date shows that you are interested and that is a great way to get a good conversation going.

Example 5: Probably one of the biggest points that Carnegie makes in his book is to show a genuine interest in other people and make them feel important. In other words, don't act selfishly! Some examples of this in the dating world would include: respecting other people's schedules, showing up on time, paying for dates if you are the one who initiates, asking if they are okay with romantic advances, letting them have access to the TV remote, and treating your date the way you wish to be treated yourself.

Our presentation should be very beneficial for people with autism who desire to improve their social skills and dating prospects, as well as parents and educators who are assisting them in this effort.

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